We've been together for about 6 years. Met at a bar and never looked back. We were both 21 at the time and I was due to graduate at the end of that same year. The initial stages were easy. I payed for everything and drove everywhere. I felt like the man in the relationship and liked how things were. However as things progressed she began to want to do things that I couldn't really afford. Trips to Europe amongst other things. She knew it would be tough on me and offered to cover all expenses but I wouldn't have that so I had to dig into my savings to make such trips possible. I only payed for my part but it still drained large portions of my income. Dinners got more extravagant and correspondingly more expensive. I hung in there, somehow.
Late last year I popped the question and we got engaged later that year. Since then things have gotten a little uncomfortable. My side of the family have covered all expenses so far and had planned on funding the wedding as well. I'd put aside a reasonable amount of money but when I approached her with the budget she said that her family wanted to do it. The were insistent apparently. Having looked at what she has planned it is plain to see that I'd never have been able to afford a wedding of this magnitude. It upset me slightly but I decided to treat it as a gift from her parents to her.It doesn't end there unfortunately. Having put the wedding issue behind us it was now time to start talking about where we'd live. I own a condo, Sterling Condo in Kelana Jaya. It's currently tenanted to my cousin and I was planning on moving there when we sealed the deal. But when I talked to her about this she said that her parents wanted to buy us a house. I was not happy and told her that we was making me feel tiny and insignificant. She fed me some lines about how love is all that should matter and what not but I can't shake the feeling she doesn't believe that I can provide her with the things she needs. If it were the case she wouldn't be running to Papa for everything. Anyway she began showing me the houses or apartments she had shortlisted and all of them were well out of my price range. I said that the houses she shortlisted were nice and left. She sensed I was upset and sent me a text saying that everything will be fine and that she loves me regardless of material goods but it certainly doesn't feel that way. Anyway that is where things stand at the moment.
Am I being silly or do I have cause for concern?
-------------------------------Update 8 and half years later--------------------------
So for some reason I remembered creating this thread here about 8 or so years ago when my wife and I decided to get married. For an even stranger reason, I now feel compelled to give the internet an update on how things have played out. Don't ask me why but it just felt like something I should do. I won't be breaking down each year individually but will instead try to amalgamate as much of the information into one brief update instead.
As expected, her family incurred much of the early costs in our relationship. They paid for the wedding (destination wedding in Da Nang, Vietnam) and bought us a house (bungalow in Bangsar). The early months were easy, I had made peace with the situation and committed to her that I won't let this bother me. Months turned into years (two to be exact) and we welcomed our firstborn. He just made life better, he brought us closer together and we couldn't be happier. But with his birth, the troubles we faced at the start of our marriage started to emerge again. I am Indian and an atheist and she is Chinese from a very Christian family. To be honest, she doesn't believe in god either but plays a role for her family so as to not hurt her mum and dad. Like me she cannot be bothered and thinks it is a waste of time. Being Christian, the grandparents wanted the baby to be baptised and to perform other rituals in keeping with their beliefs. I voiced my concerns to my wife but we agreed that as the baby won't remember anything it is fine and it would all be for show. Reluctantly I took part in the proceedings and made my wife promise me that we won't give in again.
Shortly after the birth of the baby, her father retired and handed the keys of his empire to his son. His son is a brilliant man and also very practical. One one the first things he did, was cut my wives credit card privileges from the company account. He sat down with my wife and explained that if she was not going to contribute to the family business, her credit card would be cut. This was one of my early concerns when we first got married, I knew her reliance on her father could not last forever. Thankfully, this didn't end up being a major issue. Her average spend per month was in the region of RM15k and this excluded one off purchases of luxury items etc. At the time this happened, I was in a stronger position financially and because I essentially got a free house from her father, I was able to save a lot more and liquidate the condo I owned. With this I managed to build a small investment portfolio of low cost properties and stocks. My returns from this was enough to cover this shortfall and I was able to cover her monthly spending. Looking back this was one of the biggest mistakes I made in the marriage. But alas, having compromised so much of my values I thought I might as well compromise another.
More time passed and it looked like I had weathered the storm. My wife was happy and so was I. Our child was growing up to be an amazing young boy and things were just right. But not all good things last forever. As my son turned 3, his grandparents decided it was time for him to start taking classes at church and start embracing Jesus. This is where I drew the line, I told my wife that we agreed that we would raise our child our way and that meant no religion. She agreed and we set up a meeting with her parents and explained our beliefs and what we thought would be the best way to raise our child. There were a lot of tears but they seemed to accept it, or so I thought. Weeks went by and one day I come home to find my wife has a new car. I was shocked, she had a job but it was more one for passion than money. It was with a non-profit and it was part-time. She cannot afford to buy a brand new BMW 6 series. I walk in and ask her what is going on. She says calmly - ''Papa said if we let XX go to church, he will buy us a new car. Also, he said he will pay for school and university so you don't worry about saving so much for his future. It will be taken care of. I know this will upset you but will it be so bad if he is raised Christian? I was and I turned out fine". Words cannot express how deflated and betrayed I felt at this moment. I tried to explain to her that my dismay was not at the fact that he was going to be raised Christian but that she was willing to compromise on our shared values for money. I was also upset that he was going to be indoctrinated and made to believe in fairy tales but would maybe have been able to look past that if it was done differently.
Anyway, many arguments later we decided to call time on our relationship. 5 years we were married and one son we made. In the months leading up to the divorce I got a job in Sydney and told her I'll be taking it and that she can have the house and any other shared marital assets. I keep my investment portfolio and get to see my son whenever I am in Malaysia.
It has been three years now and I just got my Australian PR. My son is 6 and because of COVID I have not seen him for a year. I usually go back twice a year and she visits with him twice a year so I get four visits with him every twelve months under normal circumstances. Am counting down the days until I get to see his little face again. In terms of my wife (well ex-wife now) and I, we are on good terms. She is still the love of my life and I envy the man who gets to spend the rest of his life with her but I made my decision and have to live with it. I have a girlfriend here and it is going well, I might even propose but don't want to until I fully get over my ex-wife. As for my ex-wife, she remains single and is embracing life as a single mum. I don't talk to her about her love life and she doesn't ask about mine. Sometimes when we are on a call in the middle of the night and a little drunk we may probe a little to see if there is anything going on in each others life but as far as I am aware she remains single.
So the purpose of the update, I want to know what strangers think of the situation and whether what I did was right or wrong. My friends all say the same thing and that is that I did the right thing but that is because they are my friends and so have my back. Her friends say I did the wrong thing because they have her back. Hence my curiosity as to what an independent observer makes of this?
Thanks and sorry for the long post. Trust me when I say this is the condensed version.
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